I thought I had seen it all...

I've appraised literally THOUSANDS of houses in the past 6 1/2 years and I seriously thought I had seen it ALL. Especially when appraising foreclosures. The really bad ones. Where people are really, really mad that THEY didn't make their payments for months and now they have to leave. I've seen houses that almost look like they're under construction because every single inch of sheetrock has been busted. I've experienced navigating through houses filled and smeared with dog crap (very strategic, Guy that managed to defile every door knob and faucet handle with feces...you got me, that time!). Houses graffiti-ed to the hilt, used drug needles, used condoms, used pads, used tampons, missing toilets, entire missing kitchens, you name it, you can't faze me!!!

But today, I DIED laughing when I saw this:

I walked into the master bathroom and saw all this grey dust and I knew it was going to be good. Then I see the bathtub. It looked liquid, and with all the chunks I thought, "Ahhhh, the old Dump-In-The-Tub, trick...good one". But as I tried to move one of the two GOLF CLUBS, I got a "Boioioioioing!!!!!". It was concrete. In a tub. With two golf clubs. So the grey dust was Ready Mix. They just poured that bag out and let the water run!! Maybe the golf clubs were make-shift stirrers?

I ran out of the house to try to flag down the nosy neighbor that cornered me minutes earlier, getting the scoop on the house. I couldn't NOT share this one! Alas, he was nowhere to be found.

Mom added an interesting twist when she said, "maybe it's art?". Doubtful. If it is art, then I think we all know what the title is.

I only wish I knew how much it was going to cost to replace the plumbing system, as I'm sure loooots of concrete went down the pipes to the public sewer system.

Nice job. (golf claps)

Lucky Day

This is one of those times where you have to make the finger sign for "three" with both hands, and place them on either side of your open mouth to spell "WOW". Wow. I ran across this on "my lucky day" (obvious). In case the photo isn't clear enough, it's a pimped out mobile home outfitted to resemble the space shuttle. THE SPACE SHUTTLE. Mobile home. Have you EVER thought those two should ever be uttered in the same sentence? Neither has anyone else besides This Guy.

To round out the luckiest day ever, I just about shat my pantalones when, next door, I peeped this:

and I'm not joking. I thought to myself, "where there goes the neighborhood". Then I thought, man, these people are really proud since they TITLED their residence. But I got home and googled "The Orange Show" and discovered it's a folk art museum(?) of sorts. I guess I'm the last to know, and obviously lacking in my Houston culture knowledge.

I wish it wasn't a well patronized destination. I was much more enjoying the thought of imagining what kind of eccentric person could live in a place like that.

And have Mr. Space-Super-Fan as a neighbor.

THIS is "tidy"

It's like when you see a great mountatintop view, and even if you have a panoramic camera, you can never capture what it really feels like to actually be there...such is the case with this lady's house. It's not possible for you to accurately imagine JUST HOW MUCH CRAP was in every. single. inch. of this house. When I told Miss McCountryClutter that I would be needing interior photos, she replied, "oh good, i'm glad I cleaned up." And she was serious.

Smoke Much?

Now, I have come across the "smoke stained wall" scene seeeeveral times, but NEVER have I also been fortunate enough to witness the "smoke stained carpet" portion as well. If pictures can invoke other senses, such as smell, you should be alternately gagging-slash-choking right about now.

You're welcome. And yes, it was THAT disgusting. Visually and Olfactorily.

Peace out...I'm gonna shove Renuzit adjustable cone air fresheners in both of my nostrils.

I call this one "Point Taken"

If a picture tells a million words, is there really anything I can add? I think not. 100% self-explanitory.

In case you didn't grow up in the hood:
http://www.snopes.com/crime/gangs/sneakers.asp

Update: To answer Crystal's question, this masterpiece is located off of 59 North at Little York. This is the same area that I found myself about 4 or 5 years ago, at a red light near the Fiesta grocery store, where I almost ran over about 6 guys that darted in front of me. About 2 seconds later, I was swarmed by approximately 14 HPD police cars from the rear (heh hehe, i said rear). THEN, the policia caught up to the boys under the bridge across from the grocery store and I thought I was going to witness a Rodney King-ing. So I pulled into the Fiesta parking lot and watched for a while, like the good gossip monger that I am. Being out-and-about in the right part of town is pure entertainment (as long as your windows are locked and your pepper spray is handy!)

Crowning Moment

Meet Jen Lancaster, my BFF (although, it *may* be one-sided). So a few months ago, I traveled to Chicago from Houston to attend a book fair where Jen (my faaaaaavorite author) would be speaking. Yes. I totally get it that being a groupie is soooo not as cool when it's for an author, but it's WAY more satisfying since they're more readily available. Since I read and comment on her blog and I'm her friend on myspace (stalk much?), she actually recognized me (maybe because I was sitting front and center, aaaaand I was wearing her signature colors of pink and green complete with pearls)! Alas, since the book signing ended at noon on a Sunday, we were not able to consummate our friendship over pink cocktails. As she said, "Even I can't start drinking this early on a Sunday."

But still. I know. Best. Friends. Forever.

Good times.

I wonder what he's rollin' on...

Hellllll yeah...... you know you're in H-Town when.....