Word to the wise....

Note to self: next time, let's try not to wear shorts while checking out a friend's new motorcycle -OR- now you know about the super mondo frickin hot exhaust pipes!

On the plus side...maybe a cool new scar? with a cool new made up story?

Leapin' Lizards!!!

Friday morning. On my way to a doctor's appointment. I catch a glimpse of something peculiar in my peripheral. It was the head of a green gecko peeking over the windshield wipers! Seriously. The poor little guy must have hopped on at my house and got stuck on my commute by accident. Considering I was traveling at about 75 mph on a major highway, it's not like I could have stopped to help him out. So I did the next most logical thing. I laughed my ass off while watching him try to "hang on". hahahahahahha. Every time he lifted up one of his little legs, the wind would catch it and he'd have to try reeaaally hard to steady himself again. It was HILARIOUS. I know I should have put my animal rights hat on and helped a brotha out, but that hat was no where to be found on this particular morning. What I did find immediately though, was a camera.

Welcome to Starbucks, you late adopter, you

So I've dabbled in the Starbucks menu once or twice. But frankly, the fast talking people there that rattle off lingo like warfare have been so intimidating that I've avoided being Starbuck-ified until today. In an attempt to jazz up my normal daily serving of milk, I decided to try a latte at the suggestion of someone from my weight loss place. When I walked up to the counter, I was the only person waiting to order, so felt confident that i had "the floor" to ask questions and get schooled. When i was done, i learned that I'm a grande non-fat mocha latte! I also counted 7 people in line after me, if that gives you an idea of how it took to arrived at that monniker. I was feeling pretty much like the biggest idiot in the store...until the guy after me ordered "blah, blah, blah...skinny, 180 degree, 3/4 full...blah, blah, blah." Ass. Who requests TEMPERATURE?

Bling!

Here's an eensy-weensy secret of mine...i have BLING. And it's GOLD! You can't see it at all in normal situations, but on occasion, i bust it out as a party trick. It never fails. I actually forget about my bling most times. Last night I was reading a book (memoir) from one of my favorite authors, Laurie Notaro, and I just about died when she had a whole section dedicated to HER bling in the form of a crowned molar! As she says in the book (paraphrasing b/c i'm too lazy to go get it from my bedroom two floors up and actually quote it) "Great. Now i'm going to have to get rid of my regular-person car and buy and Escalade." hah. I'm feeling that, yo.

When you see me rollin' on dubs in my pimped out Escalade, you'll know why.

Ghetto

Nothing spells G-H-E-T-T-O like throwing your 14 year old daughter in to a slutty "Miss Santa" costume and pimping her out on the street to sell M&M's.....in November. Seriously. I do not lie.

You just don't eff with a guy's car

Does this sight not make you suck in the entire room's worth of air in horror? The first cardinal sin SHOULD have been...thou shalt not eff with people's cars.

Awww yeah!

So I'm a real estate appraiser by profession and i come across A LOT of crazy stuff. I swear i should write a book to recount all of my best (and worst) stories. But i hate to write, so here's the start of my condensed versions in the form of this blog.

I took the photo above a few months ago inside a single lady's house. This was her guest bedroom. She had this monstrosity CUSTOM MADE for her over 25 years ago and just can't seem to get rid of it. Not only is the entire "thing" made of crushed red velvet, it boasts a built-in stereo (and 8-track!) system with speakers in the "headboard". Someone must have taken the term "headboard" to heart considering that it's shaped like a helmet. From the angle of the photo, you can't tell that the helmet shaped element covers the first 1/3 of the bed, but it does. Also note the space for a blacklight under the stereo. The piece de resistance, however, is the little side table where you can rest your matching red phone and/or your bottle of courvossier for you and your lady! Please don't forget to take in the lovely black lace curtains that so perfectly complete the look and feel of the room. If you are interested in purchasing this gem, i know a lady that's willing to sell!!